January 01, 2019.
I hate January. It is not the fact that it takes aeons for the days to drag by, or how surviving financially becomes herculean, or even the way my ageing grips me by the neck with my birthday within days. It is none of these things. It is the newness I hate; the way it forces itself of previously established routines. New resolutions, new diets, new friends, and new habits; all screaming to be heard, manifesting themselves in statuses, tweet, blog posts or Facebook updates. The loudness of this novelty is deafening. So I hunker down and wait out the newness — the same way I deal with new clothes, new shoes. The results are different though; my clothes and shoes still look the same when I return with just a change in the feel, the year however begins to reject me by the time the novelty has worn off and new routines are set. I am left floundering, battling inertia. The year has just begun but my year is already over.
Having spent the most part of my life just winging it, and failing multiple times at the things that matter the most to me, I am going to give a try at being deliberate. My debilitating fear of failure, rejection and change is probably the reason why I have just been winging it all through, and is still the reason why I won’t include goals in my being deliberate this year. An image of me sitting at the end of 2019, staring at a list of goals and finding myself short just crept up on me and it is taking all of me to keep on typing this. That’s the thing about being deliberate though, I have to start from somewhere and this is it. This is me drafting out what would be the blueprint for my 2019, a scaffold on which to lean when the newness of the year is over. I am tired of being left floundering.
Convincing myself that my feelings matter and that my existence is alright — being worth it is too much for now — is just the best scaffold to build the year on. I have spent my life readjusting to fit into other people’s lives, I have gone above and beyond in order to convince friends to stay, and I have shown up for others at the expense of myself. In knowing that the people who will show up for me will respect my time, my energy and my feelings, I won’t have to worry about friends ghosting on me. I won’t get anxious and spend time worrying whether the people I love are okay, because if they matched my energy they’d let me know. That’s a weight off my back I want lifted. To allow myself to breathe because at the end of the day, your energy is for those who value it and those who regardless of life, still make an effort to show up; because that’s what friendship (adult friendship) is. Showing up.
It is not easy to make any headway in anything when you spend the time you should be moving second guessing yourself. Trusting myself is something I am currently finding difficult to learn, believing in myself another task that makes me cringe. There are no right answers to this thing and at the end of the day; I need to feel like I have made the best decision for me, and for those around me. I will fail at times, get rejected most times and be ignored often but I must be confident of what I know and what I don’t know. Hacking this self-belief thing should lead me to write more, publish more and put myself out there more for opportunities that present themselves to me this 2019. This is where the true battle of inertia would be fought, and hopefully won. Nothing good will happen to me, if I remain unsure of myself and my actions in bettering myself. I will not get people to believe in me, trust me, more than I do myself.
The last few hours of 2018 had me seated alone in the midst of an army of Christian soldiers praying in the New Year fervently. Eerily then, how quiet and still my mind was at the moment while I sat with my head bowed, shoulders to the wall. It occurred to me then that perhaps I would benefit from making an effort to engage and be seen, to be present in activities and stop trying to collapse myself to prevent being seen, to fit into places that clearly aren’t meant for people of my ‘big boned’ stature. Closing myself to opportunities by being too self-conscious and alienating myself from social engagements. Convinced that I have nothing to say that might interest you, so what’s the point? As the army continues to advance into the New Year with loud shouts and battle cry prayers, I sat there wondering maybe I should shout to be heard more? Or even just allow myself to be free enough to be seen. For someone who occupies an amount of space, this should not be too difficult. However, being conditioned to be invisible is not something that is easily fought off by wishful thinking.
The time is 19:05. I spent the last hours of 2018 deciding whether or not to write this, the early hours of 2019 –after my time with the army- telling myself it’s okay and starting this, and the rest of the day convincing myself to finish it despite my mind fighting me to abandon it to my ‘Ongoing’ folder. I don’t know what time I would publish it, or if I would in all honesty but if you are reading this then I guess I did. I won my first battle against myself, and against inertia. This year is going to be huge, for me at least. It does not seem like the kind of year I want to be stumbling in, without a clue of where the out is. This is the blueprint for me to beat the newness, the inertia and start to actually hold myself accountable for my feelings, my friendships, my writing and my existence. I don’t want to set goals, I just want to have a foundation to be able to set attainable goals come the next New Year; my own vision 2020.
2019 is already here, day one of 365. I am tired of begging the year to be good to me. This year, I am taking the best out of it. 2019 bring it. Let’s get this over with.
Osondu
Happy New Year everyone! Let’s have an awesome 2019.
P.s: Taking a break off Twitter for a while so comments, and feedback highly welcome. Email me if you need me.
